


at your mercy

by hyuckmania



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Casual Sex, Denial of Feelings, Drunk Blow Jobs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends With Benefits, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression, Unhealthy Relationships, donghyuck's emotionally constipated and mark has... issues, mentions of emotional manipulation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:15:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28867641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyuckmania/pseuds/hyuckmania
Summary: “But it’s not going to work. Because I don’t like you. I have never liked anyone before. Therefore -”Mark shusheshim.“You save all the emotional crap for one-night-stands, right?”Donghyuck blinks. “Right.”“Then let’s keep it that way,” he says.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 23
Kudos: 158





	at your mercy

**Author's Note:**

> this is going to be a fucking roller coaster. so bare with me.

Johnny’s invited many people, more people than can fit in his apartment, and Donghyuck stands in the kitchen with Jeno and Renjun, handing out beers to everyone who passes through. Jeno and Renjun clearly want to talk about the big elephant in the room, but Donghyuck doesn’t want to talk about it, nor think about it, and for every drink, he gives out, he puts one away himself. 

“I thought it was going to work,” Renjun comments idly. “You and Yangyang were - ”

Jeno slaps Renjun in the back. 

“Injun,” Donghyuck says, and the nickname shuts Renjun up. Donghyuck laughs, well, kind of does. It sounds almost like a sob. He liked Yangyang a lot more than the rest. _ "It _ never works. With me, at least.” 

There’s a beat and then Renjun murmurs, dejected. “I’m sorry.”

Donghyuck chugs the last of the beer and shrugs. 

“It’s whatever,” he says, and before the duo can say anything more embarrassing, he leaves the kitchen. “I’ll be right back. See you, lovebirds.” 

Renjun nods and Jeno gives him a strange smile. He walks to the balcony to get some fresh air. Maybe have a smoke. There’s already someone by the window and Donghyuck clears his throat. 

“You mind?” He says, gesturing to the entry. The guy turns to him, fresh tears on his cheeks, surprised. He moves to one side and Donghyuck pointedly ignores him when he opens the cigarette pack and takes one. At least, he tries -

There’s a sob from the corner where now the guy is crunched down. 

Donghyuck offers him the pack. 

The guy's eyebrows lift comically up. “‘m sorry?” 

Donghyck rolls his eyes and keeps the cigarettes back in his pocket. He lights up the first and takes a long drag, turning his back to the guy again. 

Then another sob escapes his lips and Donghyuck sighs. 

He stands in front of the guy. 

“You’re not freaking out right now, are you?” He asks, rudely. The guy jumps from his seat and Donghyuck feels a little bit bad about being a bitch. “Do you need me to call someone?” 

He eyes him with confusion and something about his eyes, the way they’re looking at him with rage and distrust tells Donghyuck this guy is trouble. And Donghyuck has his own brand of trouble to work through. 

“Why?” He asks back, just as exasperated as Donghyuck feels. 

_ The nerve of this guy.  _

“Because your fucking whining is driving me nuts so if you could, please, leave the fuck out of here, that would be much appreciated,” Donghyuck spits. 

The guy stares at him for a long second before he starts laughing. It feels borderline maniacal and Donghyuck eyes him half worried and half terrified. It seems his inherent personality issues have issues, and that’s.... a lot of fucking issues. 

“Wow, and to think you offered me a smoke a minute ago,” he says, still laughing. It’s loud and obnoxious, and Donghyuck hates it. 

Donghyuck hates to feel like a total dick to a stranger even more. 

He tries again. “Do you want me to look out for someone there?” He tilts his head in the direction of the party, taking another drag of his cigarette. 

The guy studies his face for a moment - and Donghyuck, so used to drive all the attention of the room, feels his skin burn and his ears are red, and it occurs him for a thousandth of a second that this guy is hot and -

“Would you do that?” 

Donghyuck furrows his eyebrows. “Yeah?” 

“And you’re not going to ask about _ this?” _ He says, one finger pointing at his obvious wrecked expression. 

“No,” he replies, amused. 

Silence and then the guy smiles. Or at least, half of his lips lift up in an attempt. 

“Why not?”

Donghyuck takes a long drag and chews the cud. 

“Two reasons,” he starts, dumping the rest of the cigarette on the floor. “First, I  _ don’t _ want to. I don’t even know your name. Second, well, I guess -” 

“Mark,” he interrupts. Donghyuck looks up from his shoes. “My name’s Mark.”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes and lights another cigarette. “Okay, _Mark._ Second is, because, if you were me and I was you… and you asked me why, well.”

“Well?” 

“I would lie,” he shrugs. “I save the excruciating emotional bullshit for one-night-stands whose room I leave before they wake up, you know?”

Mark’s eyes widened with surprise. And then another emotion flicks in his eyes, like a low fire. “Damn it,” he sighs. 

“What?” He blurts out. 

Mark sighs again and his eyes are light up with fire and there’s so much desire and Donghyuck’s stupid. He’s stupid because he’s leaning first and then Mark’s kissing him fast and fierce and Donghyuck’s is  _ drunk, _ he doesn’t know what’s going on but he doesn’t want this to stop. His hands close around his ass and Mark is moaning into his mouth loud enough that he can feel the vibration of it in his fucking lungs. Mark breaks the kiss and laughs - he fucking  _ giggles _ \- and when he offers his hand, Donghyuck doesn’t hesitate to take it. 

Mark guides him to the bathroom and before Donghyuck can complain of how fucking unsanitary is making out  _ here, _ Mark brushes the tips of his fingers under his shirt, down his stomach, and  _ lower, lower  _ -

His longer fingers massage the head of his cock and Donghyuck makes a sound in the back of his throat and it seems enough for Mark to kneel down and he can’t - 

The smell in the bathroom is disgusting but Donghyuck couldn’t care less, not when Mark’s opening his jeans, tugging them and his boxers down. He presses a wet, open-mouthed kiss to the side of Donghyuck’s cock, and Donghyuck can’t - 

“You want this?” Mark asks, his voice a register lower. He’s looking up at him, hands on Donghyuck’s waist, and Donghyuck would have laughed if it wasn’t for his obvious erection. 

“Yes.” 

As soon he lets the words leave his mouth, Mark takes a deep breath, taking in as much of Donghyuck’s length as he can. It's too much. 

His brain short-circuits. 

His vision whites out. 

He moans Mark’s name in that dirty bathroom, some Ed Sheeran song blasting outside. 

It’s disgusting. 

It's awesome. 

  
  
  


Mark calls him two days later.

Donghyuck doesn’t pick up.

  
  
  


The next time Donghyuck sees Mark, the other is leaving the gym just as Donghyuck waits for Jeno. Mark’s eyes meet him and then they travel his body hungry and Donghyuck would prefer to ignore Mark’s wet hair and high cheekbones, and that stupid loose shirt and ridiculous shorts  _ if he could. _

“Can we talk?” Mark asks politely and Donghyuck tries to mask his expression because the truth is that he feels fucking guilty. He ignored and declined Mark’s offers for the past two weeks. 

And yet. Here he is. Asking Donghyuck like he’s afraid an abrupt movement would scare him away. 

Donghyuck nods. Mark takes a tentative step forward. 

“Why are you ignoring my calls?” He asks, direct, and it feels  _ brutal _ for Donghyuck, who’s not used to this kind of honesty. 

He considers lying. Make an excuse. Maybe use Yangyang but instead what he says is: “I don’t like you.” 

Mark’s eyebrows lift up in amusement. “What?”

“Don’t get me wrong,” he stammers and catches himself.  _ What the fuck?  _ “Your blowjob was… amazing, show-stopping, spectacular, never the same -”

Mark giggles, and there it is, something dark and sexy in the way Mark’s shoulders shake and he bites his lips, and Donghyuck thinks about that dirty room all over again. 

“But it’s not going to work. Because I don’t like you. I have never liked anyone before. Therefore -”

Mark shushes  _ him.  _

“You save all the emotional crap for one-night-stands, right?” 

Donghyuck blinks. “Right.”

“Then let’s keep it that way,” he says, and his voice is deeper - and so are his eyes, scanning him, like he’s memorizing his features. And then,  _ he _ \- He licks his lips. 

It’s like that night, but Donghyuck’s not drunk, so he’s just straight stupid.

Donghyuck sighs, defeated.  _ "This _ doesn’t mean anything,” he says and fixes Mark’s bangs out of his eyes. Mark reaches his hand and takes it. “I don’t like you. I don’t want dates. This isn’t - serious. We’re not serious.”

Mark looks down at their intertwined hands and smirks. “And what is it we’re doing, babe?” 

Donghyuck snorts. “Fucking moron.” 

Mark curls his arms around his waist, placing his hands on his hips, massaging him with his thumbs - like that time in the bathroom. Donghyuck’s belly is hot. 

“You bet,” he says and leans in to kiss the skin down his ear. “I’ll text you, ‘kay?” 

Donghyuck nods. 

The way Mark looks at him makes him feel something dangerous. Something reckless. Something very gay. 

He opens their chat. 

donghyuck (11:30 am):  _ say, if we could, can I pay you back in your car?  _

mark (11:36 am):  _ a blowjob in my car?  _

donghyuck (11:37 am):  _ precisely  _

mark (11:38 am):  _ i thought you were a clean freak?  _

donghyuck (11:38 am):  _ so u don’t want it?  _

mark (11:38 am):  _ i can pick u up tonight :)  _

  
  
  


Donghyuck doesn’t think about anything, about the consequences, about the reviews he needs to do, about Jeno and Renjun stares when he leaves their shared apartment with a half-assed excuse.

He’s staring at Mark’s length and planning how to make him come. That’s all that matters right now. 

Because he’s competitive like that. 

Mark strokes his hands over Donghyuck’s cheek and it could be intimate  _ if _ \- if Mark Lee wasn’t staring down at him with a full shit-eating grin. He takes a deep breath, leans in, sticks out his tongue, and puts Mark’s cock into his mouth. 

Mark gasps, one hand in Donghyuck’s hair tightening. 

Donghyuck takes it out slowly, swirls his tongue around the head, looking up at Mark. His eyes - that low fire it always seems to hide in his eyes are lighting up. He bobs his head slowly on Mark’s dick. He picks up a rhythm, slow, sticking out his tongue around his length, around his balls, and then up,  _ up  _ \- 

“Fuck,” Mark murmurs, hands cupping the back of Donghyuck’s neck, guiding him down his dick. 

Donghyuck complies, slow because that’s how he is and then he bobs in him faster, taking stuttering breaths between his nostrils, trying to take him all at once and Mark moans grow louder, louder - 

“I -”, he tries to say and Donghyuck knows, feels it under his fingertips, his abdomen tightening and he backs off, one hand replacing his mouth, and finishes him off. Mark comes in Donghyuck’s hand. “Wow,” Mark says, taking a deep breath. He leans to kiss Donghyuck’s mouth. “Your turn?”

Donghyuck  _ thinks _ about it. The smell of sex in the car is hanging around, and the windows are foggy, it would be obvious to anyone passing the parking lot they’re having sex in there but Donghyuck can’t seem to care. 

He unbuttons his jeans and tugs them down and lets Mark do the rest of the job. 

  
  
  


Donghyuck is having breakfast with Jeno and Renjun when Mark texts him. 

mark (10:13 am):  _ hi  _

“God, Jihyo is so fucking annoying,” Renjun murmurs, staring down at his Twitter timeline. “Does she think she’s a fit influencer?” 

Jeno laughs. “I know! She starts treating her body healthily and suddenly she's the next Chloe Ting.” 

Donghyuck ignores the text and joins the gossip. “But, seriously, she tried oatmeal granola one day and said ‘I’ve been waiting for this one, turn it up!’”

His friends pick up the TikTok reference and laugh even louder. Mark texts him again. 

mark (10:14 am):  _ wanna netflix n chill? roommate's leaving all afternoon.  _

Donghyuck bites his lips and replies. 

donghyuck (10:15 am):  _ sure _

“Oh, guys, look at this! She tweeted,” Renjun says, giggling. He starts reading out loud, a bad imitation of her voice. “‘To start eating healthy, it is important to know what healthy things we like and take advantage of it. If you don’t like chia or flaxseed it won’t hurt your process.’”

“God, is she on crack?” Jeno rolls his eyes. 

Donghyuck opens his account and replies to her under the tweet.

“You didn’t!” Renjun snorts. “‘Agree, if you don’t like vegetables is because you don’t know how to cook them.’ Seriously, Hyuck? Don’t go on.” 

“But she’s right,” Donghyuck says, one smile tugging up. 

“Okay, maybe -” Renjun concedes, and Donghyuck gasps. 

“I was kidding! God, I  _ could _ never agree with her, even if she says the earth is round I’d say it’s flat!” 

His friends laugh even louder. 

“Remember in eleventh grade when she called me wannabe just because I liked Foster the People? God, I have hated her guts since then,” Donghyuck takes a bite of his eggs. His phone beeps again. 

mark (10:18 am):  _ 4 pm ok for u?  _

donghyuck (10:18 am):  _ yup _

“You’re not replying to her, are you?” Jeno asks, one eyebrow lifted up. 

“Nah, I gave her attention once, it won’t happen again,” Donghyuck replies and turns his attention to his friends. “I’m going to the library after class, you guys up?” 

Renjun looks at him with disgust. “No, thanks.” 

Jeno seems apologetic. “I can pick you up if you want.” 

Donghyuck doesn’t even feel the tiny bad about lying to his friends and looks down at his watch. “Nah, it's okay. I’ll see you at home, yeah?” 

He picks up his bag and leaves the café. 

  
  
  


Donghyuck stands up from the bed when Mark does it too, tying off the condom and throwing it in the trash. He’s picking up his jeans when Mark clears his throat. 

“What are you doing?” He asks. 

Donghyuck looks at his jeans and then at Mark. “Leaving, of course.”

“Aren’t you staying?” Mark says, and something about his voice or the fact that he’s standing naked in front of him makes him look vulnerable and Donghyuck -  _ he can’t. _

“No,” Donghyuck says, slowly. He puts on his jeans. “We don’t do that.” 

“We?” Mark repeats. He crosses his arms in front of his chest. His biceps are showing, distracting, it’s tempting Donghyuck in, but he can’t.

“We don’t stay. We don’t do dates,” he buttons his jeans and picks up his shirt, a grey one from Nirvana. “And we don’t tell anyone.” 

Mark flinches but recovers quickly. He nods, picks up a towel, says, “I guess you know the way out.” He turns to the bathroom and closes it behind him and Donghyuck waits. 

He clutches the shirt in his hand and feels weird. Not good weird nor bad weird - it’s just weird. Was he angry? Donghyuck has never had friends with benefits before, but he assumed the best way for neither of them to catch feelings is to keep it casual. Like strangers who know each other in bed. He told Mark, didn’t he? It’s the best for the two of them. 

Donghyuck leaves after dressing, not caring to say goodbye. 

  
  
  


Time passes and they pick up a rhythm. Not just in sex, but their weird agreement. 

Mark accepts Donghyuck’s conditions to not tell anyone, to not follow each other in any social media, to not meet in public places and he - He doesn’t complain. By the end of their second month together - but not in that or any way -, in May, and when midterms are acting up, Mark asks Donghyuck something that unbalances him. 

“Are we exclusive?”

How didn't Donghyuck think that out? They’re using condoms anyways. They’re taking care of themselves. So it shouldn't matter, if he protects himself with other people.

But then why is something bowling inside of him? 

He ignores it and asks back, “Why? Do you like someone?”

Mark picks up his shirt and turns his back to Donghyuck. “Yeah. We’re just talking, though.” 

Donghyuck's stomach drops. It’s insane, to feel like this. Of course, Mark doesn’t like him. Donghyuck doesn’t like him either. They drew that line months ago. That’s kind of the purpose of their arrangement, isn’t it? Donghyuck can go and find someone else to flirt with, too. 

“Oh,” he says, buttoning his shirt. “You will tell me, right?” 

Mark turns to him and smiles. It doesn’t reach his eyes. “Yeah.” 

“Until then, can we keep it exclusive?” Donghyuck offers. 

Mark turns his back again and puts on his shirt. When he speaks again, it’s tentative. “I guess.” 

Donghyuck nods and fidgets in his place. They don’t do this, they aren’t dating, they don’t kiss unless it’s for the invitation of something else but still - 

He hugs Mark from the back, placing his hands together in his abdomen and kisses his shoulder blade. 

“Text me, okay?” He says and Mark turns to him and he looks confused, afraid, and Donghyuck leans in and steals a kiss. Mark smiles and this time it almost reaches his eyes. 

“Sure,” he replies and Donghyuck gives him a secret smile. 

Donghyuck leaves but this time he says goodbye before he closes the door. 

  
  
  


Something switches after that. 

Donghyuck can acknowledge, even if it’s only to himself, that there’s something about the sex they have that seems to have a competitive edge. It’s always aggressive, starting slow and building faster, exhausting and when Mark finishes him off and looks down at Donghyuck with something complicated and mysterius behind those round eyes, it always made Donghyuck’s blood run warm and violent because fuck - Mark’s gorgeous and hot and it’s infuriating. 

He’s  _ infuriating. _

Mark twirls his pen around his fingers when he’s focusing on reading or studying. He bites his lips and slaps his cheeks from time to time and when he sleeps he hugs his pillow between his chest. Mark uses his roommate Netflix’s account, Ten, but gifted his cousin an expensive bracelet because he aced the college exam entrance. 

Donghyuck wonders what, exactly, is about Mark that pushes him to cross the line they drew. They don’t cuddle but Donghyuck stays on the couch with Mark and they start watching Alice in Borderland and when Donghyuck stands up to leave, Mark kisses him on the cheek and Donghyuck says goodbye. They’re not  _ lovers _ because  _ we talked about this, Mark, we’re not serious _ but Donghyuck knows they’re getting closer to being… something. 

He wants to dismiss this attitude - his fluttering chest when Mark texts him to pick him up - as purely physical attraction, a chemical reaction to Mark’s tongue on his skin, on his dick. It was easy, when their relationship, but  _ not that kind of relationship _ thing was only about… sex. Donghyuck thinks he could deal with it. But Mark brings his guitar and he plays for him and Donghyuck stays and sings. And they talk and joke and Mark  _ always _ laughs with his jokes and he thinks about that night when they first met and thought it was too loud, too obnoxious, but he still  _ liked _ it. He  _ likes _ making Mark laugh, especially when he clings to him and his eyes are almost closing and - 

Donghyuck could deal with all of that if it was only about sex, but - 

It’s not just sex anymore.

And that’s a big fucking problem. 

  
  
  


It’s a bad day when they have a fight. 

It’s the end of June when finals are around the corner and Mark drags Donghyuck to Starbucks on the drive to his place. The waitress, someone Mark knows, asks if Donghyuck is his boyfriend - they’re holding hands when they get to the cashier - and Mark doesn't say anything, just smiles and orders his frappuccino, and Donghyuck kind of loses it. 

When they’re sitting in the car and Mark reaches for his hand, like he always does, and Donghyuck, who just kind of realizes all of it suddenly, flinches and pulls away. 

“We’re not like that,” He says, spitting out. He’s livid about it and he doesn’t know why.

Mark furrows his eyebrows. “What?”

“You could have said something back there, you know?” Donghyuck hurries to explain. “We’re not together. I’m not your boyfriend.”

Mark laughs and it’s painfully how bad it sounds now because it’s in the border of disbelief. “What did you want me to say?”

“Something!” Donghyuck kind of yells. 

“What, exactly, Donghyuck? ‘Oh, sorry, he’s just the guy that keeps my dick warm’, uh?” There’s so much venom in his voice that Donghyuck’s awestruck. “Why’s so important to you anyway?” 

“Because she’ll think we’re together!” 

“And?”

“We’re not serious!”

“I’m sorry that someone could think you’re my boyfriend, Donghyuck! I didn’t know it would hurt your ego that much!”

The both of them realize they have been screaming. 

Donghyuck takes a deep breath and leaves the car. 

  
  
  


They don’t talk for weeks.  _ Two _ to be specific. 

It sucks because Donghyuck wants to fix it but doesn’t know  _ how. _ Donghyuck was the first to draw the lines but now he doesn’t know where they begin or end. And it’s not like Donghyuck has the time either. The finals are filling him in and he’s helping a teacher to review papers and he doesn’t have  _ time  _ for these feelings. And it's terrible.

Donghyuck feels miserable. But he masks it well. Or he thinks so. 

“Hyuck, have you eaten?” Doyoung asks, pushing aside his notes in favor of taking Donghyuck’s hand. 

Donghyuck doesn’t look up but he squeezes his hand. “I think I ate a tangerine a few hours ago,” he replies, absently. He only has two papers left to review. 

“Are you okay?” Doyoung presses and pulls his pinky finger. 

Donghyuck fidgets and tries to mask his face before looking up. “Yup.” 

Doyoung scowls. “Are you sure?”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. “Yes, Dodo. Why? Do I look ugly?”

“Fucking ugly,” Doyoung confesses, not looking the slight guilty. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Donghyuck says, too quickly. 

Doyoung looks like he wants to press further but bites his lip instead. “Whatever it is, fix it. I fucking hate that defeated look of yours.” He picks up his notes again and keeps working.

Donghyuck sighs. He hates feeling like this too - like he has given up before giving a fight. 

  
  
  


Donghyuck cooks when he submits his last final in mid-July. He cooks too much, even for Renjun, Jeno and he, it’s too much and he knows it. Kinda was his intention all along. He fixes one lunch box and leaves his roommates with another half-assed excuse. They don’t pretend to believe him anymore nor Donghyuck tries harder. 

He shows up at Mark’s apartment with food and a half-smile that makes it obvious he has missed Mark. He tries to mirror him and Donghyuck catches himself wondering - hoping Mark has missed him almost as much as he'd missed him. 

Mark hesitates in the doorway and finally lets him in. 

“I made you food,” Donghyuck is the first to talk. 

Mark stares at him, calculating. “Why?”

_ Ah. The big question. _ Donghyuck wishes he could reply to him with honesty, with something real but he can’t. He doesn't know what drove him to cook Mark, to walk to his door and show up after a radio silence of two weeks. He wants to apologize but he wonders if that will make things worse. 

Or maybe no matter what Donghyuck does or says, he’s going to fuck it up. It never works. 

“I don’t know,” he says, hopeless, defeated. He leaves the food on the table and turns to leave. 

“Are you leaving?” Mark asks, just above a whisper and it looks like he’s asking instead: _ why can’t you stay?  _

Donghyuck turns around and shakes his head and Mark cups his face and kisses him. Maybe he’s touch starved. Maybe it’s Mark's smell of mint that he always hangs around. Maybe Donghyuck’s fucking tired of pretending. 

He melts in the kiss. 

  
  


They pick up where they left. Or they try at least. 

Donghyuck would feel relieved - happy, even, to go back to Mark’s sheets. But something dark and sad hangs around Mark’s shoulders.

It’s terrifying. 

Donghyuck’s dying to ask why but he’s scared. There’s something fragile about Mark’s edges and Donghyuck thought he read people well but he doesn’t.

He ignores it and waits patiently for Mark to open up. 

When it happens, it turns out to be a fucking disaster.

  
  
  


It’s early August when it happens. Just a week before the semester starts.

Donghyuck grabs a shirt from the floor when Mark comes in from the kitchen. 

“That’s mine,” he says. Donghyuck takes a careful look at it. It has an Adidas logo on it but, as Mark said, is not his. 

“Sorry,” Donghyuck smiles, meeting his gaze. His smile drops at Mark’s look. “What happened?”

“Can we talk?” Mark starts and takes a seat in the bed. Donghyuck joins him. Mark starts playing with his fingers. Donghyuck used to find it endearing but now it makes him nervous. 

“Sure,” he manages to say. 

Mark gulps down. “Jungwoo asked me out.” 

Donghyuck’s blood runs cold. He doesn’t know who Jungwoo is. In fact, Donghyuck doesn’t know any of Mark’s friends. Another rule they agreed to keep this thing lowkey. No meeting with the friends. But he remembers that day. 

_ “Are we exclusive?” _

“He did?” Donghyuck asks, kind of out of breath. 

Mark nods. He hasn’t looked up from his hands. 

“I told him I’d think about it,” Mark says. 

That lights something inside Donghyuck. “What? Why?” 

“You, I guess,” Mark finally looks up and he looks downright miserable. He points between them. “Us.”

Donghyuck’s breath catches. His heartbeat stops. The air around him tightens. 

“We’re not serious, Mark,” he half yells half whispers. 

Mark’s gaze drops and he smiles. It’s depressing. “Can it never happen?” 

Donghyuck feels something behind his eyelids. “No.”

Mark’s head drops in his hands. They’re shaking and Donghyuck tries to hold them. Mark flinches away. 

“You know the way out,” he hisses and stands up, slamming the bathroom door. 

Donghyuck knows - he's sure Mark just meant getting out of his apartment but it feels like Mark just told him to get out of his life. 

“Goodbye,” he says, weekly, when he leaves. 

  
  
  


_ “Can I ask you something?” Donghyuck asks, curling on his side of the bed.  _

_ Mark turns to him, their knees bumping together. “Sure.” _

_ “Why were you crying that night?”  _

_ Mark laughs and his eyes hide. “Took you long enough.”  _

_ Donghyuck slaps him in the chest.  _

_ “Okay, okay!” Mark says, still laughing, taking Donghyuck’s pinky finger with his. “I know you’re kind of expecting I say someone dumped me or something but it’s far from that.”  _

_ That perks up Donghyuck’s attention. “No?”  _

_ Mark shakes his head and the smile drops. “I was lonely. I thought of jumping from the balcony, too. It was there in the front of my mind and it felt so bizarre. Picturing it. Longing for it. That thought made me even sadder.”  _

_ Donghyuck is speechless. He was right when he thought this guy had issues. And Donghyuck knows everyone has their own shit but there’s something about Mark… that makes him feel guilty. Guilty about this arrangement. The last thing Mark needs is someone like Donghyuck, that doesn’t know - that can’t stay. _

_ “And now?” He finds himself asking.  _

_ Mark’s surprised just like Donghyuck is. The fire in his eyes lights up again.  _

_ “You’re a good company, I guess,” he says and it feels like he wants to say more but he bites his tongue.  _

_ Donghyuck kisses him because he can’t do more. He can’t offer more than this.  _

  
  
  


“It’s there something wrong with me?” Donghyuck asks Jeno and Renjun. 

They’re in the middle of playing Uno in their living room. Donghyuck has been miserable for one week after his talk with Mark. Classes start tomorrow and his roommates just got here last night. 

Jeno looks up from his cards. “What do you mean?” 

“Is this about your affair with Mark Lee?” Renjun asks at the same time. 

Donghyuck jumps in his seat. “What? How’d you know?”

“I have my ways,” Renjun says and pulls a reverse card and it’s Jeno's turn again. “You think you’re subtle but you’re not.” He stares at Donghyuck. “Also I followed you that night to the parking lot.”

“What the fuck, Renjun,” Donghyuck hisses. 

“So what? You guys broke up?” Renjun ignores him. 

Jeno pulls a three red. Donghyuck takes a card from the deck. A four blue. He misses his turn. “It was casual.” 

Renjun hums under his breath and pulls another red card. “Are you sure? ‘Cause you look like they ripped your heart out of your chest.”

Donghyuck’s silent. It’s Donghyuck turn again. He takes another card from the deck. Two green. He slams the cards on the table and stands up. 

“I give up,” he says and Renjun takes him by the wrist. 

“What did Mark Lee do to you?” 

Donghyuck sighs and he wishes he  _ knew  _ too. But he doesn’t know what happened, why it ended, why he feels in pieces. It’s confusing. He hasn’t felt this empty - this  _ hollow _ since forever. 

“I don’t know,” he replies honestly, and his voice breaks in the middle, and next thing he knows, he’s crying. 

“Oh,” Renjun says and it sounds like he figured it out before Donghyuck. “You love him.” 

Donghyuck sobs even harder and it’s terrible, he can’t help it, he can’t stop. 

_ You will always fuck it up.  _

He turns to his room and slams the door and his hands are shaking when he hugs himself, crouched on the floor. 

_ You can’t love anyone else but you.  _

He sobs, louder and the room is too small, too hot - 

_ So fucking selfish. Always playing with people’s feelings.  _

“You’re good, you know,” he hears Renjun say at the other side of the door. “If you weren’t good, Jeno wouldn’t stick around you.”

_ No one will stick around and guess what? You’ll die alone.  _

“There’s nothing wrong with you. You won’t fuck it up just because you try. You can give love. So, so much love.” 

_ How can you be so heartless? _

“You cook for us. You buy me tea even if you don’t like it. You buy and blend Jeno his protein shakes and pick him up at the gym. Last year you fucking saved a cat from an accident. You care, Hyuck.” 

Donghyuck hangs his head in the door and he hears his friends exhale. 

“We can drive you to your Grandma’s,” Jeno offers. 

Visiting his Grandma would mean spill all the beans. She will scold him and nag at him and he will tell her everything he didn’t say before.

“No,” he replies after a moment. “Can you guys stay with me tonight?” 

Silence and then Renjun says, almost on the verge of relief. “Of course, Hyuck.”

  
  
  


Donghyuck texts Mark at the beginning of September to meet for coffee. He doesn’t even like coffee - he doesn’t know if Mark likes coffee. 

“Hi,” Mark says, taking a seat in front of him.

“I ordered you a frappuccino,” Donghyuck hurries to say. He needs Mark to stay there and listen to him. 

Mark doesn’t meet his eyes and says, “Thanks.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

Mark looks up. 

Donghyuck bites his lip. “I had a boyfriend. Like back in high school and he was in college. We were together for like - years. And I loved him. Or at least I thought I did. But we started fighting and it was terrible. He said some things and they stuck with me. I know, like, deep down I know he was lashing out and probably made all of it up in the heat of the moment but it stayed and then -” 

The waiter comes with their order and Mark’s frappuccino. 

Donghyuck takes another deep breath. 

“You came along. Our arrangement was good, impersonal. Just what I needed. I pushed you away. I knew I was going to hurt you. I knew you were too good for me because you needed something stable. And I couldn’t give you that -”

Mark takes his hands between his. 

“It’s okay, Hyuck. I get it.” 

Donghyuck exhales a breath of relief.

“You do?” 

Mark smiles. “Kinda figured it out when you showed up after our fight. You looked miserable and so did I, and I realized we were both in a bad place to start something.”

Donghyuck stops breathing. 

“But I still asked, knowing it was going to be the end of us.”

He takes a shaking breath. “It was?”

Mark tangles their pinky fingers together. “Donghyuck...”

“Ah,” Donghyuck bites a sob. “Jungwoo?”

“No,” Mark surprises him. “I started therapy. Figured out I needed time to learn to love myself before anyone else.”

Donghyuck nods and something akin pride flowers in his chest. “I’m glad.”

Mark looks like he wants to say more but he looks down at his watch. “I kinda said yes today because you asked but I have an appointment. Can we catch up another day?”

Donghyuck doesn’t care if it’s a lie and why he feels relieved. “Sure, Mark. Thanks for coming.”

He stands up and leans in, kisses him on the cheek. Their gaze meets and a sad expression masks his face. When he speaks, it trembles, like he's walking barefoot in a storm. “You were good for me - not all the time, but you were, Hyuck. You are good." His voice breaks and Donghyuck feels it, in his bones, in his blood. It's small, minimal even, but it's there. _Hope._ "Maybe we can try again. When we’re better. The both of us.”

Mark Lee leaves the café, closing the door with him. He turns to him from the other side of the window and waves, a smile so big his eyes are closing. It almost hides the fact that he's crying. When he turns his way, Donghyuck figures out it’s a good way to get out of his life. Softly, with the smell of mint now hanging around him. 

  
  
  


_ “This was so gross", Donghyuck says, buttoning his jeans. The music changed, some old EDM blasting outside.  _

_ “So, what’s your name?” Mark smiles, cleaning his mouth with the back of his hand, like he knows it'll drive Donghyuck crazy. _

_ It works. Donghyuck rolls his eyes. “Now, just when I almost came in your mouth, you’re asking for my name?” _

_ Mark shrugs and washes his hands. He turns, expecting Donghyuck’s answer. “‘s cool if you don’t want to tell me.” _

_ He waits and when Donghyuck doesn’t say anything else, he shrugs again and opens the door - _

_ “Donghyuck,” he finds himself saying.  _

_ Mark smiles, sheepishly. “Donghyuck, can I have your number? I think we can have fun.”  _

_ Donghyuck’s drunk. He promised himself after Yangyang that he wasn’t going to do this again. Another relationship. He almost says no but -  _

_ “Or we can be friends, who knows?” Mark’s grinning and it’s so - he was crying just twenty minutes ago. Donghyuck takes his phone and saves his number. “Great. See ya, Hyuck.”  _

_ “It’s Donghyuck,” he chastises and Mark laughs in the doorway. “Hyuck is for friends.”  _

_ “I can change that,” Mark promises and leaves.  _

_ It’s funny how he thinks this is going to end miserably.  _

**Author's Note:**

> *screams into the void*: HELLO?? PART II??:/&$&


End file.
